100 Pointless Lessons Learned From the Movies

Whoever said that watching movies was a waste of time clearly hasn’t been paying close enough attention. Below is just a small sample of things I learned from the movies.

Also, feel free to chime in with your own, though I already got ‘don’t go full retard’ in the bag, so save it.


Life Lessons

1. Be good to the mentally challenged and one day they’ll save your life – The Goonies

2. Be good to prostitutes and one day they’ll save your life – Killing Zoe

3. Never trust a computer – 2001: A Space Odyssey

4. Never trust a woman – Blood Simple (see also, Bound)

5. Never trust a man – In The Company of Men

6. Never trust a little boy – A.I.: Artificial Intelligence

7. Never leave the boat – Apocalypse Now

8. Never let your house smell like soup – Juno

9. Parents just don’t understand; similarly, children just don’t understand – Freaky Friday (Lindsay Lohan version)

10. Don’t mess with Tracy Flick – Election

11. Don’t mess with angry elves – Elf

12. If you push the fat guy enough, he will snap – Full Metal Jacket

13. Think twice before you dump pig’s blood on the prom queen – Carrie

14. You can accomplish anything with a healthy dose of perseverance and optimism – American Movie

15. All you need to escape from prison is a little ingenuity, determination, a nail file, some paper mache and lots of elbow grease – Escape from Alcatraz

16. You can change what you wear, where you live and how you speak, but you can never change who you are – A History of Violence

17. Just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you can pass shop – The Breakfast Club

18. Always make your first shot count – Barry Lyndon

19. When you’re good to mama, mama’s good to you – Chicago

20. You’ll never appreciate life unless you’re just about die – The Game

21. Everybody sells out.  Everybody. – The Candidate

22. You don’t have to have money to be rich – It’s a Wonderful Life

23. It’s better to be broke than be new money – Giant (see also, Titanic)

24. But skin-flintiness is a sure-fire ticket to hell – A Christmas Carol

25. Some love is just not meant to be – Kill Bill

26. But if you’re meant to be together, you will always wind up together – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

27. Be careful, though, because the quiet ones always have anger issues – Punch Drunk Love

28. And it’s never too early for Iggy Pop – Almost Famous

Something To Chew On

29. Life is like a wheel, sometimes you’re up, sometimes your down, but all times pass – 24 Hour Party People

30. Life is a… – Cabaret

31. Life is like a… – Layer Cake

32. She isBreakfast at Tiffany’s

33. Free will is always more important that complete lawfulness – A Clockwork Orange

34. Some people are just bad – East of Eden

35. And everybody is racist, everybody – Crash

36. But some things just defy explanation – Eyes Wide Shut

Travel Tips

37. Paris is magicalAmelie

38. But some French people were really unhappy about Algerian independence – Day of the Jackal

39. Venice is creepy – Don’t Look Now

40. Nebraska is soooo boring – About Schmidt

41. The sun doesn’t set for like six months in Alaska – Insomnia

42. Rain-forest natives can have agendas, too – Fitzcarraldo

43. Natives in South America are afraid of horses and black men – Aguirre, The Wrath of God

I Did Not Know That About…Monsters

44. Jewish vampires could care less about crosses – The Fearless Vampire Killers

45. To a vampire, the human is the real monster – The Last Man on Earth

46. Shopping malls are great places to ride out the zombie invasion, as long as nobody else knows you’re there – Dawn of the Dead (The original)

47. Underground mines are another good place to ride out the zombie invasion, assuming you can all get along – Day of the Dead

48. Ouija boards are evil – The Exorcist

I Did Not Know That About…Decorating

49. There is a difference between piss yellow and puke green – American Graffiti

50. A rug really can tie a room together – The Big Lebowski

I Did Not Know That About…History

51. Abe Lincoln had a long reach – Fight Club

52. Fed Ex shipped 12 packages its first night and did the sort on a card table – Cast Away

53. WWII was harrowing, even for Germans – Das Boot

54. Martha Washington was a hip, hip chick; similarly, the 1972 democratic convention was a bitchin’ time – Dazed and Confused

55. The depression was bad – The Grapes of Wrath

56. Indians won’t take your scalp if you’re bald – Jeremiah Johnson

I Did Not Know That About…Medicine

57. Canned fish can kill you – Dead Calm

58. Cranberry juice is great for urinary infections – The Departed

I Did Not Know That About…The Military

59. The military will always kick out liars no matter how good a soldier they might be – Jarhead

60. It is an officer’s duty to escape – The Great Escape

61. You don’t go into battle with loose change in your pocket – Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb

I Did Not Know That About…Art, Literature and Music

62. There is no better dramatic device than the ironic ending – Martin

63. Voice-overs are a sign of narrative weakness – Adaptation

64. Art, and the art scene, are a ludicrous fraud – F For Fake

65. Jim Morrison was a drunken blowhard, no matter how great his music was – The Doors (see also, Almost Famous)

66. You have to be a little insane to make a movie in the jungle with Klaus Kinski – Burden of Dreams

67. Any novel about a black-Jewish-homosexual is by definition a problem novel – Capote

68. The River Bottom Nightmare Band RULES – Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas (All right, so not technically a movie, but it deserves it’s place here)

I Did Not Know That About…Sexual Politics and Dating

69. You know how I know you’re gay? You like Coldplay. – 40 Year Old Virgin

70. Gay men are so hot – Go

71. Two women together is like double-sexyKissing Jessica Stein

72. Cowboy gay sex makes people real angry – Brokeback Mountain

73. A great rack can get you anything – Erin Brokovich

74. Some chicks are dudes – The Crying Game

75. The best music to put on when you’re on a date with a girl is Led Zeppelin 4, side 2 – Fast Times at Ridgemont High

I Did Not Know That About…Crime and Criminals

76. When you are paid for a job, you do the job – The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

77. Intensely complicated and convoluted heist plots are always undone by a streetwise NYC cop, ergo, keep it simple, stupid – Die Hard (see also, The Italian Job (original version))

78. Criminal’s are stupid and their crimes are pointless – In Cold Blood

79. Don’t worry, when a group of enemies comes at you they will always attack one at a time – Enter the Dragon

I Did Not Know That About…Sports

80. Football is to Texas as object of obsession is to stalker – Friday Night Lights

81. Arsenal’s fans are wankers – About a Boy

82. Cockfighting is deplorable – Cockfighter

I Did Not Know That About…Animals

83. Rhode Island Red’s are a kind of chicken- Chicken Run

84. Dingoes apparently have a taste for human flesh – A Cry In The Dark

85. If a bear is hungry enough he will eat you – Grizzly Man

I Did Not Know That About…Higher Education

86. College students always hate townies – Breaking Away

87. Anybody can pass the bar exam if they study – Catch Me If You Can

I Did Not Know That About…Law Enforcement

88. Frontier justice is swift and sometimes imperfect – Hang ’em High

89. Lazy cops hate workaholic cops – Hot Fuzz

I Did Not Know That About…Other Stuff

90. The Catholic church is evil – The Davinci Code

91. A wooden airplane will fly – The Aviator

92. Apparently, death is a really hot woman – All That Jazz

93. Howard Stern is basically a good guy – Private Parts

94. You can’t roll back an odometer by running the car in reverse – Ferris Bueller

95. You’ll Shoot your eye out – A Christmas Story

96. Kicking ass is not cool, unless you do it for peace – Billy Jack

97. Don’t cross the streamsGhostbusters

98. ‘He started it’ is not a good excuse when you start killing people- First Blood

99. Unless God says it’s cool – Frailty


100. Nothing’s been the same since Sam the Lion died – The Last Picture Show

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